Settling down or are we just settling?

 

Relationships, situationships, singletons and dating.

Over the last week, this conversation has reared its head in so many shapes and forms, I just can’t even tell you. If that isn’t a bigger sign for blog post then I can’t imagine what would be.

An internal debate most young single people have with themselves. Twenty-somethings – I know you hear me loud. There is isn’t one simple answer, it’s the question that branches off into many different avenues because let’s face it – anything relationship orientated is NEVER…. I mean Never ever straight forward.

As a recent singleton, this has been at forefront of my mind, as a twenty-six-year-old…. I’m hearing it. Now those of you well aged members of the public will ask what the hell am I on about. You will tell me I’m young, don’t sweat it, be carefree and live your life. But is that really the view point of most of society? I will tell you why not.

Social media plays the biggest role in this. From Facebook to Instagram, tinder to bumble. Everything and I mean everything is so much more accessible. I can wake up at 8am on Saturday and after browsing through several of my favourite apps partaking in my favourite pastime of people watching. I know what Linda’s kids have done to piss her off, what Sarah has eaten for the past 13 days. How invested Michael is in his relationship with Tina. How most men are now pricks because Ben slept with Susanne’s best friend and now she’s airing out their dirty laundry for the world to see.

I digress… nb this will probably be the most consistent thing about my blog.. I joke OR NAW.

But the reality is everything Is more accessible thus leading us to A) doubt our own paths in life, b) allowing it to be somehow socially acceptable for people we barely know to comment judge and ultimately rush. This level of accessibility inevitably will have a “keeping up with the Jones’s effect”.

After a lot of hard work, I am now at a point where career is important and I feel, in order for me to live the life I want to live, I need to really focus and invest. My family have, for the most part been supportive of this, but this by no means stops them from asking those age old questions that society asks us. When are you settling down? When will you have kids? When are you buying a house?

In a fast paced modern era why are the view of our societies, our family and ourselves not moving to keep up? What happened to asking people if these are the things they want from life instead of assuming. My nana has often mentioned the fact that she was married at 21 with 2 children a house and a very stable job. With the ultimate side eye, sometimes I have to joke with her because I don’t need that kind of pressure. I tell her that I can’t imagine when she was 21, jagerbombs were 3 for a 5ver and guestlist was free for ladies before 11pm. Let a girl live!! Working in gynae will make you more aware of your body clock and the constant reminder that my eggs are cooking. I do not need outside reminders of this I have my own countdown style clock.

 

I found after I broke up with MR O (my ex), I wasn’t feeling men, you know the faze ladies you get hurt. Your get a little self doubt because you get comfy. Food is you best friend… well in my case my life partner and your just not in that vibe or as fabulous and on fleek. So as we all do you vent to friends and family. In my case, my work colleagues – and I was met with the advice only a gynae nurse would give. The best way to get over one is to get under another. I didn’t think people actually said this in real life, but these fabulous ladies are just as crazy as they are hard working. So I joined TINDER.

There I was months after parting with MR O, on tinder. 3 pictures and no about me section. The Holly joked about me being a catfish. Then one day I got a match, not knowing 6 months down the line I would be here, probably one of the biggest roller coasters of a dating experience I call him Mr. United.

I found myself in a situationship, now at the other side I think we can both say we were settling!! Not settling to settle down but for something less than what/who we wanted.  Hindsight will always be a great thing but what is life without experiences. I have learnt what my ultimate driving force for finding myself in this situation was being alone.

I promise if you are not 100% comfortable and confident in your own skin it will have you doing a madness. Now I am at a point where the thought of being alone isn’t daunting.

This whole dating experience has given me the greatest insight into myself, men, relationship and situationships.

Firstly, dating is not dating when it’s on an app. Guys I was so naive, like unbelievably. You match, you rarely meet and for the most part within 10 minutes will have pictures of his genitalia on your mobile device. What happened to actual dating you know, meet talk fuck and get caught up.

Race, never thought it could really be that much of a problem but really, it’s a problem. I’ve always dated in my race through circumstance but open to whoever comes my way. If you meet my basic requirements as a person I couldn’t care less, for some people this isn’t so. Tinder is proof no matter how forward you think society might be moving there will always be a part that’s stagnant. I have found as a young black woman we are often seen as a fetish and a tick on a bucket list. Unfortunately, this is a common theme, where you will be matched purely for experimental purposes. I have often had to break it down in the most laments terms possible. Vaginas are different YES because of the colour NO. This approach has either been met with an embarrassed apology and ghosting or a simple unmatched… yeah you got found out, I called you out now your upset… BOY BYE!!

Realistic expectations of this situation – yes, whilst being on a dating app you can be looking for something more than the best dicking down of your life. I mean come on have we not evolved from being so primitive? We all have needs but a girl would like to be wined and dined a little. We get it if you’re not honest straight off the bat then how will we know where we stand. On the flip side how much honesty is the right amount? It’s about striking balance. Be honest, let people know what you want out of something… keep it classy though. I don’t need my first picture of you to be your morning glory.

Work life balance as a nurse, it seems impossible right… I know, dating’s hard shifts are erratic. I am hopeful that there are people out there that will be OK when you can’t just “leave your troubles at the door” who will allow you pick up those work problems. Bring them through the door allow you to have dialogue and vent. Or simply let you be with your thoughts and comfort you when needed.

Make sure your happy with YOU travel the world, spend some alone time. Find out what you like what makes you tick and what you are not willing to put up with. Believe me, loneliness is one of the biggest reasons people find themselves settling for some much less than they are worth. Companionship is great but should it be to the detriment of self-growth. I think not

8,484 thoughts on “Settling down or are we just settling?

  1. Shin says:

    I agree with you on so many levels. Tinder hasn’t provided anything for me but regular laughs and sometimes bafflement. Having a guy start off with “wah gwarn” black or otherwise… please don’t. Then to proceed with several “jah rastafari’s” and “bumboclart’s”, yes just go away now.

  2. Sonia says:

    Umm being of a different generation where you went out and met someone and talked I can’t relate to this new way of dating or maybe I’m switched off because I’m in a relationship and don’t have to think about what the masses of singletons are up to in quest to find soulmate but being surrounded by women in work I sometimes get engrossed when a colleague logs on to tinder and we all comment “hell no ”
    So carry on if this is your thing so to end on a happy note a colleague met her husband on tinder and happily married for 2yrs 🙂

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