She’s not at work that’s for sure! Backpacking was a dream and whilst I was initially glad to be home, see friends and family. The itch has set in, like that patient that just arrived back from recovery. I’m ready to leave again, which is strange. Not because of the feeling of homecoming and creature comforts. More due to the fact that as the days draw nearer to having to return to work. All I’ve craved for is structure. Yet if I met a “sugar daddy- without having to give him the sugar”. I’d be off. No plan just my passport and unlimited wifi, to check the visa requirements. Let’s face it boarder crossing IS NOT something I do well (definitely a few stories for another time).
If you’re new to my very infrequent ramblings on my tiny corner of the internet, welcome to the madhouse. I go off topic A LOT and for the grammar and spelling police. I’m dyslexic.
Back to the point, I was making! Your homegirl has been torn. With an inherent need for adventure and to explore but a craving for a little more structure than the previous months have accumulated. Agency work just doesn’t seem as settling as it previously was. Whilst block bookings are always great (if you find a place, you enjoy and the people are friendly.) We won’t kid ourselves into believing we’ve all never done it. “I wonder what the agency they’re going to send is like” “Hope she can do IVS” “Hope she has a login” “do you recognise the name- have they worked here before” “were they any good?”
Meanwhile here I am looking online for shifts, wondering “what will they be like”, “will they talk to me”, “if I ask will they help and how will they react”, “will my skills be adequate enough” then the biggy kicks in , “am I good enough”. Well, that escalated pretty quickly right. Now I’m not sure if it’s just the uncertainty of my current situation. Or that I have my favourite monthly house guest or and a little bit of both. I’m sure you can guess how these questions ended. Yup, that’s right, in a blubbering, snotty mess on the phone to my mum. Yes at my big age, there’s nothing like a pep talk from your mum.
I don’t think I have ever felt so anxious about any shift. Be its first days, being moved start/mid shift. Starting to working for an agency. So why now? Why is it that once I started to open up about my fears inadequacy and of going back to agency nursing. Did it feel like the burden was getting heavier and not relinquishing, as it has done on so many other rants? Did I take too long, surely two months couldn’t have made that much difference?
I REALLY JUST DON’T know, but what I will take from this mini-meltdown this morning. Is that once I do settle in a place that I love or revisit times of old. I will always continue to try and make agency staff feel welcome because it can be so daunting already. To support them throughout there time in the unit and ultimately be grateful for the help. We all know what it’s like to be new, to have anxiety about things. A little kindness really does go a long way.
For tonight, I won’t be picking up any shifts. Who knew crying could be so tiring and I’m probably as much use as a chocolate teapot. So, I’ll be indulging in my last bit of easter egg (yes I still have one. Shout out to my Aunty Sonia- LEGEND), tuning into my favourite trashy TV show love island and hoping tomorrow will be a more positive day.
Hope you all have a fantastic week ahead. Never liked Mondays anyway 😉